Today I write blabs

I'm not far from believing that hatred happens because we fear. In fact, oftentimes, we find it hard to find a difference between the two, so much so that we don't realize we're only doing one thing when we actually mean to do the other. We say we hate capitalism, but don't we sometimes simply mean we fear the monsters it has allowed us to become? We say we hate falling in love,  but don't we - more often than not - mean we fear the thought of giving our all to an entity separate from us, and having to deal with the consequences if our feelings are not reciprocated?

Unearthed: COCC musings (16 July 2011)

I write this on a Sunday evening, half-dazed. After training last night, Andrew, Veron, Jus and I went to McDo (now our unofficial tambay place, I guess) to replenish all liquids and fat lost. Last night after the training, and after eating, Veron dropped me off before she went up to Mandaluyong because I had to go to Taft for a Youth For Christ party where I'm a photographer. However, The Man Upstairs had other plans. I arrived in Taft during the closing prayer so I just spent the night hanging out with friends until 3 AM. I woke up 6 AM today and went straight to another YFC event - Family Culture, and as of the moment of this writing, has had no sleep yet..

...and weirdly I feel full of life. Yesterday's training was different precisely because it was about us. I learned so much last night, not just the Creed, not just a bunch of plebe knowledges we're supposed to memorize, but things about each other. Birthdays, lovelives, alcohol consumption, vices, last night was not just a night of physical training, it was a night of learning.

I know I sound all cheesy and crap, and I won't deny that half the time I just wanted to say "OH SCREW THIS. I'M LEAVING!" because of cramps, or the pain, or the disgusting wound in my right palm, but every time I would decide that I want to leave, I look at the other four and realize why I'm staying. I'm not as strong as Jus, as sporty as Veron, as confident as Espa, or as striving as Andrew.. I'm only stubborn. But it might sound ironic (and as I write these down I realize what it's true), but I believe in us. We're a pretty good team, and it would suck if one of us would have to leave.

Saturday and Tuesday trainings... GAME FACE ON.

Unearthed: COCC musings (12 July 2011)

It's Saturday morning now, and in a bit I'd once again subject myself to abject (subjective! Wow, play with words) pain, but I just have to write here what I feel ever since that Tuesday training day (where Francisco joined us) until last night, Friday.

Truth be told, I'm quite disappointed (maybe even annoyed) with Francisco, it's not the fact that she left that made me feel this (I mean, there are only 5 of us left, so it'd be stupid if I pour my negativity on her), but the fact that she never told anyone. That she never even tried. That she never even attempted to see the reason why we're (we're as in Veron, Jus, Espa, and Andrew - I've grown quite attached to these people, I feel awkward calling them by their surnames... at this point in time, it may be a bit early, but they're more friends than comrades now) still here, still fighting, still aiming to achieve the goal that not many people have gotten.

That aside, I feel extremely comfortable with the four now, and that's a nice thing. Right now, it's 0300h and I'm with Jus and Espa in McDo, waiting for the others to arrive. I was with Jus the whole day last night, buying stuff. Incidentally, he also was the one accompanying me last Tuesday after the trainings, when Pulido went home, and we went here in McDo to utilize the free housewater.

Last Tuesday was a considerably better experience, but it doesn't mean it was less challenging. We had to make speeches in front of our comrades, and once more I felt that uncomfortable feeling I get when I talk about my weakness - my allergy. If then, I were invited to speak of something else, I would've spoken about my favourite movie - Coach Carter - and how it's been nothing but my ray of light whenever I'm on the verge of breaking down - or when I've simply broken down completely. The PT was something I will always remember, but it's the lessons that night that I will never forget.

Oh, also, I got sick last Wednesday. Tuesday night I didn't drink my meds because I had a paper due Thursday and I made an all-nighter (8 pages of single-spaced, font-sized 11 Garamond stuff) so I woke up literally shaking. My blockmates worried, but it was Veron who told my Psych prof my condition and Jus who brought me to the infirmary.

Gosh, it's only been two weeks but I already feel home with these people.

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

Unearthed: COCC musings (09 July 2011)

I have never felt so tired - and simultaneously accomplished - my whole life. I hate counting my accomplishments because I feel like doing so makes me feel the ugly version of pride, but despite the fact that I wasn't able to count the many push-ups I've made, I feel awesome after having survived the almost-14 hour torture -- if you could call it that.

Anyway, I'm writing this down while the whole house is in complete and utter chaos, my siblings and I are planning to watch Monte Carlo later and if not for the fact that I would want to forget the physical pain right now (although I must admit, that Alaxan I took worked to alleviate my pains a bit) and have fun with my brother and sister before they resume being adults again, I wouldn't have agreed to go. I arrived home at 12 last night (technically this morning) because I had a meeting with the YFCs and I love how they were super attentive to my needs after seeing the crumpled state I was in.

Hmm, last night was... well, different. I was never the sporty kid. The closest I had to a sport was ballet... and even that didn't work well. I met a few people who would be spending the rest of the semester with me (assuming none of us quit, that is) although I admit I am a tad bit disappointed with the fact that the others quit so early in the round. Yumul, Cruz, Arzedon.. I see potential in them, the first two especially, and it just sucks how the people I know most in COCC are the ones who left.

(I jump too much with regard to my writing, but anyway...)

The training was honestly deadly. Half the time I was telling myself not to cry not only from the physical pain but from the prickling of my skin allergies. On my way home, I remained stoic, but when I dived onto the comforts of my bed, I literally broke down. I cried because it was painful, because I felt weak, but mostly because I couldn't do anything else but.

Then I decided on one thing... I'm sticking with this. Because seriously, it may have hurt, the numerous PTs and the running (running and I are mortal enemies), but the fact that I remained standing, that I didn't let the weakness of my self get the best of me, that I stood in front of my full-body length mirror last night and made the finger to the invisible people who believed I couldn't do it... that remained my motivation. And as long as I have those motivation, I don't think I'll be quitting anytime soon.