Guess who's on the verge of crying right now?

I graduate in 5 hours and although I am ecstatic from the thought of freedom away from the imposing rules and regulations of the school, there's an even bigger part of me that feels empty. It's as if a friend - a close one, at that, one who was with me every single day of my life - of 4 years left me because she thought I'd be better off without her and that she needed to go on with my life without me.

I don't know what to do. A part of me is numb, wanting nothing but lay here in my bed, visualize myself floating, not knowing where to go but to endless oblivion. The other part's sad, not just because I'll be leaving but because I can't do anything to bring everything back.

Sure, high school life is probably a part of my life I'd rather leave at times, but there are more times that I've felt happiest in my life because of it.

I'll tell you a secret, sometimes the only thing I have left when I wanted something tangible to touch aside from God is them.

My classmates, my friends, my hombres, my sisters, my brothers, a quintessential factor of my life.

My hands are shaking now, I don't know where to go from here. What I do know is that I'll never take time for granted again.

Graduation..

We're all definitely growing up.

I remember what I felt like the first time I entered high school. I marveled at the sight of using the stairs to go to my first classroom, it was the start of a new life. The beginning of a new everything.

I remember how I'd brag to my brother because I aced my polynomials test, how I'd rant to my sister because Biology was difficult, and how I'd talk to my parents about where I wanted to go to for college.

It just amazes me how fast time flies, how my subconscious still thinks I'm a freshman and how my immaturity shouts "KID HERE!" It surprises me how we've grown from kids to adults, from acquaintances to best of friends. How we shifted from looking like this:

To this:

Hayy, I'll super miss you Seniors. :(

I'm currently in the beginning of a fork road that stretches for four years.

The first's a road which the people around me dreamt for me ever since I was born, the other's a road which my heart kept beating for ever since it had the capacity to do so (read: even before I was born). I'm exaggerating, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, there are just times in your life where all you want to do is take a break, look at the world from outside, and make scenarios that you think will benefit you without fear of hazarding your life, disappointing other people, and not being able to live up to the expectations of the society.

Today is one of those times.

I've been asking for signs but I fear that I've been overlooking things I should have not taken for purpose.

Am I going where I ought to be? Is it true that the less traveled will bring you home? Can someone attest to the fact that contrary to what we believe in, the majority is always wrong?

Or do I go where people before me have gone?

The reason.

I write because the people around me have short attention spans, they can’t sit down and listen patiently ‘til I finish a story.

I write because it hurts less to see someone not read your work than see someone stand up as you give your speech. Well, sometimes.

I write because I hate imposing things. I want my readers to read and to imagine; not to watch and conform with what they see, not to listen and force their minds to conceptualize what they hear.

I write because I have the capacity to do so.

I write because I know that by writing, I entertain not only others, but myself. I educate not only others, but my brain. I embody not only the ideals of the majority, but also of my heart.

I write because I love writing. And I think that’s more than enough reason to continue what I do.

This calls for a toast, so pour the champagne

This means UP.



This also means UP.



Finally, this means UP too.


a
We shall talk about the third UP. What greeted me this morning was a brown sealed envelop from the third image discussing my application (if ever I decide to push through).

I think I'm very confused now.

I also think I never should've started the entry in the first place if I had no plans on finishing it. Or if I knew that halfway through, I'd know not what to say.a

Why I'll miss senior year. Part 1 out of the uncountable.

The fact that despite our busy schedules, our conflicting interests and our affinity to despise one another at times, we're still here. We're battling, we're surviving, and we're on our way to winning.

Can I get an aye?

Insecurity: the ability to give your body permission to eat itself from the inside.

It devours you from within that even before you realize it, you're left with nothing but the memory of what you once were before you let others define you.

It brandishes your worth, tarnishes your integrity and basks you in the blinding visions of hawks who despise seeing you not doing what is preconceived by them.

It pushes you to look into a bleary spectrum where you see crooked things and you are made to believe that what you see is real.

It unleashes the monster named envy hidden behind the deep recesses of each breathing person's heart and calls to the person to perform what it cannot do: Retaliate.

It makes you realize that everything you do is worthless, everything you say causes disbelief from others, and everything you've lived hard for is utterly useless.

It's high time we let loose the hanging strands of insecurity clinging themselves to us and tugging at our heartstrings and leave them on the floor where they ought to be.

I guess I'm not a bionic figure after all.

My heart hurts. I don't think it's because of something caused by emotion (which is how people usually get their heartaches) but my excessive intake of cholesterol-filled KFC chicken.

This must be what heartburn feels like.

My heart feels like it's being squeezed and placed somewhere nearer my vertebrae than the ribs where it belongs to. It feels like I'm being submerged into a 10 foot deep pool where my lungs are slowly giving way for water to inhabit the oxygen filled cavity. It feels like it's beating extra louder so I would realize the immediacy of the situation and the need for prompt recovery.

If this is how being in love feels like (although I'm not in love, I'm having heartburn, but you know that already)..

Then I'd rather become bionic permanently.

Humans are never pessimistic, they are just bound by too much reality that they see more of the bad than the good.

I grew up in a desert where leaving a cellphone anywhere would only cause most people here to steal a glance and lift their noses - a sign of indifference. Probably even snobbiness.

I am not one to jump into conclusions, but I am compelled to believe that my affinity for being irresponsible with regards to my stuff was brought upon by this truth.

In a few months, I will leave this desert and bid a greeting to the Philippines. Suddenly people have been telling me to stay here instead, when I asked them why, their answers go along the lines of "The Philippines.. too much crimes." Naturally, a small part of me gets scared, but an even bigger part feels pity. Not for myself, but for my country and for the people who inhabit it. I cannot blame those people who discouraged me, though, if crimes weren't rampant, they would encourage - heck, even push - me to study in the Philippines.

My disbelief with their accusations regarding the state of the Philippines turned into pity that they've been clouded with pessimism, then understanding. It's not the people's fault that they are pessimistic towards the Philippines, it's just that they've experienced firsthand how life in the Philippines is like.