If I were to be perfectly honest, I'll tell you I've slowly become the worse version of myself over the past couple of years. It's terrible. Now I lie more frequently, I curse, I drink alcohol, and I've become more lax with the things I should be taking seriously - like family. It's terrible because while people may say this is part of growing up, I feel like I'm degrading even more, sinning more frequently.
And while I understand that there are teens with situations far worse than mine, I feel bad because now I'm actually comparing myself to them, when a few years ago I would have never even thought of doing so. And while sometimes I blame my parents because I feel they're just old souls who don't want me to have fun, I feel that I have to look at myself - since when did my definition of fun changed?
I guess I'm just feeling guilty right now. I need someone to talk to, pour all my insecurities out. People from the outside would think I'm this carefree girl whose troubles are as infinitesmal as an ant in a rainforest, and it's true, but I need someone to hear me out - to ease the burden that's now placed heavily on my shoulders. I hate how people say the "good life" is part of growing up, especially because it means having to hurt my parents who worry about me all the time. I hate how sometimes even I think it's perfectly normal to want to party all the time even though that would mean having to lie to the people who care about me my whereabouts and my activities.
I hate this life of double standards.
And maybe, just maybe, this is God's message to me this Lent.
As I was reflecting early this morning on the message that God wanted to tell me, I also looked on the life that I've been recently living. True, I kept the service alive, but I've also become someone who lies. True, I kept the faith burning, but I've also burned my allowance on things I don't really need. True, I evangelize people and help bring them closer to God, but I also allow people to introduce me to vices.
And I guess I've had enough of the compromisity that's slowly edging its way as it blankets my life. With the eve of the Resurrection of Christ, I pledge to be convicted once more to a life that is proper for someone who calls herself a daughter of God. I think more than guilt, it's the remembrance of that covenant I once made with Him that makes me stand firm in this belief. I don't like to make things happen because I feel guilty when I don't, but I'm going to make this happen because I don't want to give up on the person I know I still am - under all these pretention, deceit, and personal fable -, the person who knows who she truly is, and won't let anything stand in her way for her battle of what's right.
This past year, I've been such a hypocrite. This past year, I've been such a pretender. This past year, I've been such a pushover.
This year, I resolve to do better; and hopefully - and through God's grace - come next Easter, I will look at this post and smile, because I have been healed once again by His neverending grace.
I am unashamed of my sinfulness, because everyone sins; I am ashamed of my consciousness that I have sinned, or that I was about to sin, but I decided to still go about and do it. I am unashamed because I have learned to compromise my service with bad things, I am ashamed because I have let it become my lifestyle. And, perhaps, more than anything else, I am ashamed that I have become proud of my faults.
This is my prayer, then, for this year. That God reminds me of who I am all the time, and that I remind people of God for always. That He guides me as I stray away from a life of double-standards and excuses. That He helps me as I become once again, the person I used to be.
Have a blessed Holy Week, everyone.
And while I understand that there are teens with situations far worse than mine, I feel bad because now I'm actually comparing myself to them, when a few years ago I would have never even thought of doing so. And while sometimes I blame my parents because I feel they're just old souls who don't want me to have fun, I feel that I have to look at myself - since when did my definition of fun changed?
I guess I'm just feeling guilty right now. I need someone to talk to, pour all my insecurities out. People from the outside would think I'm this carefree girl whose troubles are as infinitesmal as an ant in a rainforest, and it's true, but I need someone to hear me out - to ease the burden that's now placed heavily on my shoulders. I hate how people say the "good life" is part of growing up, especially because it means having to hurt my parents who worry about me all the time. I hate how sometimes even I think it's perfectly normal to want to party all the time even though that would mean having to lie to the people who care about me my whereabouts and my activities.
I hate this life of double standards.
And maybe, just maybe, this is God's message to me this Lent.
As I was reflecting early this morning on the message that God wanted to tell me, I also looked on the life that I've been recently living. True, I kept the service alive, but I've also become someone who lies. True, I kept the faith burning, but I've also burned my allowance on things I don't really need. True, I evangelize people and help bring them closer to God, but I also allow people to introduce me to vices.
And I guess I've had enough of the compromisity that's slowly edging its way as it blankets my life. With the eve of the Resurrection of Christ, I pledge to be convicted once more to a life that is proper for someone who calls herself a daughter of God. I think more than guilt, it's the remembrance of that covenant I once made with Him that makes me stand firm in this belief. I don't like to make things happen because I feel guilty when I don't, but I'm going to make this happen because I don't want to give up on the person I know I still am - under all these pretention, deceit, and personal fable -, the person who knows who she truly is, and won't let anything stand in her way for her battle of what's right.
This past year, I've been such a hypocrite. This past year, I've been such a pretender. This past year, I've been such a pushover.
This year, I resolve to do better; and hopefully - and through God's grace - come next Easter, I will look at this post and smile, because I have been healed once again by His neverending grace.
I am unashamed of my sinfulness, because everyone sins; I am ashamed of my consciousness that I have sinned, or that I was about to sin, but I decided to still go about and do it. I am unashamed because I have learned to compromise my service with bad things, I am ashamed because I have let it become my lifestyle. And, perhaps, more than anything else, I am ashamed that I have become proud of my faults.
This is my prayer, then, for this year. That God reminds me of who I am all the time, and that I remind people of God for always. That He guides me as I stray away from a life of double-standards and excuses. That He helps me as I become once again, the person I used to be.
Have a blessed Holy Week, everyone.
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