بارك الله فيك

2010 was, in all honesty, exhausting.

Give me a brief moment to recollect what I did this year and my answers would consist of various memories of me running around school, rushing errands, cramming schoolwork, breezing through exams, chasing after trains, and missing out on many of could-have-been pivotal moments of my 2010 because I was passed out on my bed, exhausted.

  

But yes, the exhaustion came with truckloads of emotions. We saw 2010 come and go and with it friendships, we saw the year pass by and with that dreams, we saw the sun rise and set and with it memories. We witnessed the year happen and we saw new beginnings, made new friends, journeyed new journeys, ended relationships, cried, forgave, grew up. We all transformed this year. How do I know? Because I did.

I cannot for the life of me write everything I experienced this past year, but all of them were pivotal, that much is true. I graduated, got into the school I wanted, realized what I wanted to be (maybe not in the distant future, but now), broke off from many people, and got thrown unwarranted into a new life alien to myself. But I survived.

So maybe 2010 was not like all the years I've experienced. Maybe it wasn't my year. Maybe I could have done more to make things better. 

But also, maybe it was just what it was; and that's what made it amazing. It wasn't as full of drama as years past, but it was full of realizations. Maybe it wasn't as full of fun, but it was plentiful in blessings. Maybe it wasn't as unforgettable, but I did have experiences I wouldn't ever trade for the world: and honestly, I think that's what's important.

And yeah, I just wanted to thank everyone who was there for -- and sometimes with -- me throughout the year. People who believed in me when I was losing faith, people who would make me smile when I no longer had the ability to live up to my name, who were with me when the people I loved were physically away, and who taught me when I had no will to learn. I won't mention names, but if you're reading this -- thank you.

Let's face it, 2010 wasn't exactly the best year ever. Natural calamities - although lesser than usual - were everywhere, political incongruencies were publicized, and people left - although unintentionally...

But I don't think a not-so-fun 2010 should be reason to not love tomorrow. Or the day after that. Next year. Or the years after 2011.

So yup, thanks for this year, 2010. You made me realize things I may not be ready yet, but I'll be thankful in the future. You made me grow old faster, but I'll be thankful in the future. You made me experience more pain and failure than I've had in the past years, but I'll be thankful in the future.

And because you jumpstarted me on this amazing ride, I'll be more than ready to face the next years to come.


Merry Christmas people, and have an amazing 2011! 

.

Writing has always been my solace. It has become a frequent companion of mine - almost like a shadow; only I know that unlike a shadow, I can conjure it any time of the day. It's been something I take pride in. I know that I can still not write well, but there are various (and unfortunately, often sparing) times that I believe I do.

Writing and I have had an experience not many who is not inclined to whatever form of art may have felt. It's an unparalleled connection, at times obstruse, but a connection nonetheless. It has taught me to open the eye that was never physically there, but could only be unleashed through practice and failure. Writing has - far more than knowledge - made me realized that everything is possible to one who tries, to one who thinks, to one who is not afraid of backlash and criticisms. (Or maybe is, but find them too shallow a problem to delve in).

It has taught me that above all else, it would be the fear of unacceptance that would rid any man of his game. Hence, writing has taught me that not everyone will read, not everyone who reads will comprehend, and not everyone who comprehends will apply what they have ingested in their minds, but it made me acknowledge the truth that while all these is true, writing does one ineffable thing: make you realize that you tried, and that you tried well.

...

That being said, I still hate poetry. At least most of the time.

Iris Jaye

"I love hugs from the Middle East! Hugs are different here. When you hug people here, it's like they're keeping you to themselves, when you hug people from the Middle East, it's like they're giving themselves to you."

I found myself agreeing with every word.

Another shallow rambling.

I've been in college for 6 months now, and although I am far from complaining, I have been realizing that the more I try to be the person I was in high school, the more I fall deep into the trench of hesitation.

Now that I've taken a better look at myself here in college, I realized I haven't really given my best. I know I have the potential, I have the skill and God forbid I have the time... but then I don't have the drive. I don't have that drive I had in high school, when I knew that I had to do something because the rest of the student population knew I could do it, and what more, they knew I wanted to do it.

In high school I always thought I was unbeatable. I guess I blame a part of this to the fact that I practically grew up in my school, and everyone knew me. Heck, I was known. And I loved it. I was led to believe that things won't be the same without me and that the student body would virtually be lost with my absence.

But then I entered college. I'm not sure if this is a good thing, but the first thing I learned in college was that it won't always be about me. The world doesn't revolve around me, people could live without me, and (here comes the bitter truth) the people I was positive would miss me wouldn't - at least not as much as I do them. I guess it shocked me too much because it didn't just humble me -  which is what people will become when they realize these things - but it destroyed my faith in myself.

I turned quiet. I blended in the crowd. I became no one.

But that's not me.

At least that's not what my younger self was.

Untitled. Random teenage whim.

24 11 09


I don't get why he likes me. I mean, liking him is practically unavoidable, seeing as how girls do double takes whenever they pass by us at the mall, or toss him paper napkins whenever the two of us dine outside.


Us.


I like how that sounds.


I digress.


I really cannot for the life of me understand why someone like him would find home in someone like me. Granted, my looks have somehow mellowed and turned me into a better looking duck, but I'm still far from looking like that swan they talk about. My hair has tamed a bit, if at all; my smile has grown, my eyes have twinkled, my body began to embrace ladyhood...


Yes, I look decent; but I'm not beautiful. Not even halfway there.


And so I live each day with hesitance. 


He hasn't even met my friends yet! Hasn't even seen me with them. Hasn't seen how plain I look like compared to their gorgeous bodies and faces, infectious laughter, abnormally slick hair. I stand out from them like a toothpick would stand out in a group of Q-tips.


It's unbeara-


"Hey, what are you doing?" She froze in her tracks, allowing her mind to come up with something that would seem plausible an excuse. "Writing, for... y'know... whatever it is I have to write for..." He wiggled his eyebrows in response. "ENGLISH! I'm. Doing. This. For. My. English. Paper." She punctuated each word with her fingers on her mouse closing the tabs on the computer.

"In your blog?" She turned crimson and cleared her throat. "Why, yes!" She managed to squeak out. "And you suppose I believe you?" "Wai-"

But before she could do anything he took the mouse and opened the last pages accessed. Finally, he stumbled upon the drafts page and saw the half-written scribble on her fears. Three moods passed by his face, which bewildered her. Playfulness, confusion, and - finally - comprehension.

He highlighted the whole thing and typed one carefully thought-of statement. One statement that she would - for days - look at and marvel. And smile upon.

I love this girl because she's what she is, and I promise to make her feel beautiful every single day.

Sometimes I fear too much.

I fear that thought of realizing that everyone and everything I hold special to me as of this moment will come off as trivial, as immature, and as too simplistic when I get older.

I fear that one day people will demand of me and I will not be able to meet their needs; not because I do not want to but because I cannot, not because I am unwilling but because I am incapable.

I fear that I will disappoint. It is not so much that I fear disappointing the people that surround me but it is the thought of disappointing myself that gives me weak knees and Pacific Oceans for palms. For a kid with dreams that - right now - seem impossible but probable, seem improbable but possible, I fear that the I of the future would crush the hopes and aspirations of the I in the present.

I fear that moment in time when I could've done something great but I didn't because I was unsure. I fear that the moment has already passed, and it will never come again, not even to whiz by me through the fleeting glance of a stranger.

I fear giving my heart to someone not because it is much too fragile but because I do not know what someone does when someone else is in possession of the said heart.

I fear deception. I fear failure. I fear fear in itself.

Maybe someday I will talk about my strengths, about courage, about solidity.

Maybe someday.

But not now.

A repost from Tumblr. Highly true.

Random Thoughts Of People Our Age

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

4. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

5. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

6. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

7. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

8. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

9. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say.”

10. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

11. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

12. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

13. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

14. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

15. Bad decisions make good stories.

16. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

17. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

18. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

19. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

20. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

21. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

22. When I meet someone new, I’m terrified of mentioning something they havn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

23. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

I...

sort of...
kind of...
slightly...
okay maybe more than those three above combined...
and make that into an adverb...
(they're adverbs right?)

have a crush.

Things I've been meaning to write about - Part 3

I can't believe 4 months have passed ever since I first wrote about my anxieties with going into college. It's been too fast, now that I write about it in this half-asleep stupor I'm in, I realize everything has been nothing but an amazing zip, a colorful blur, a specter seen from a kaleidoscope.

In college I've learned perhaps one valuable thing -- you work your ass off for something you want. I've learned that unlike high school, no one comes to your rescue but yourself, and that's a good thing.

I've experienced more things in these 4 months than I must've experienced in my whole high school freshman experience. My first literal hell week with less than 15 hours of sleep, my first exemption in 2 exams, my first real debate competition that escalated from more than the quarter finals, my first college sport win (I was not an athlete of course), my first drunk weekend, my first midnight rendezvous that did not just consist of sitting in a park under the stars, my first time to travel to places alone, and lots more firsts.

Of course, there are still loads more firsts to write about. But I won't write about them until they happen. ;)

Happy first sembreak of our first year in college, everyone.

Things I've been meaning to write about - Part 2

Recently I've been feeling stumped due to my spiritual dryness. Honestly though, it's not the dryness that bothers me but the fact that it has escalated into something spiritual. If this were religion-centered, I would simply tell myself to reflect for a few days, pray hard, and emerge feeling better.

That's not what has been happening, however. Right now even praying seems like a daunting task.

I feel it's part of the fact that I find myself slowly disagreeing with the sermons of the parish priest in the nearby church, I hear bad rumors about the parish priest of our village, YFC isn't the same from where I came from, and I've been letting myself be surrounded by people who don't believe instead of me teaching them otherwise.

I want my faith back. That's all. I want to have that thing with God again. I want to feel as though I'm living for something else. If I can't restore my full trust in my religion again especially since it's detesting all types of things I have an open mind with (like the RH bill, for example, and the Church's threat to excommunicate people who are for it), then at least the full trust in my spirituality and in my God.

Things I've been meaning to write about - Part 1

It was almost 4 AM, a couple of friends and I were still up, talking about both trivial and substantial things, about topics that encompassed life and whatever else that lay beyond it. Naturally, we got to the talk about choice and morality, God and man.

"You know what I don't understand?" He asked.
"What?" I replied.
"Coincidences. And gays."
"I don't follow..."
"Look, the Church believes that we have choices, well, what if we really don't? What if it was part of God's plan for us that we choose the choices we're presented with? What if... what if Adam and Eve's disobedience were part of His plan?"
"This is a sensitive topic, one which, had it been conducted with other people, I would have trouble speaking up."
"But think about it. What if our choices weren't really choices? He must've presented us with two different opportunities, but He had one plan in mind."
My other friend chirped in, "But what does this have something to do with what you said earlier, about the gays?"
He looked at us apprehensively for a minute or so, until realization finally dawned on me.
"I get it!" I said. "So, with this you mean why are gays looked down upon by the Church when there is a possibility no matter how small or how we're unsure of, that these gays didn't just make choices... this was God's plan for them?"
"Exactly."
"Fascinating."
"Too bad we will never be able to know."
"We will. In His time."

So I saw this picture from Tumblr

and I'm not at all trying to be a cynic or anything, but sometimes I just have a different perspective than everybody else.

Let's figure this image out, shall we?

The teeth on your head
Lets me light
That you need me smile
there's a truth in your eyes
Sayin' you'l never goodbye me
The iPod of your hand
Says you'll net me
Wherever I tree
You say it best
When you say
Empty at all.

I don't know. I have to stop looking at the bad side of things.

Cute picture, though. Yes?

A wishlist

because I believe that 11:11 isn't the only time that people are entitled to realize that things they dream of can become reality.

(Also, I realize that I haven't been writing properly recently, but I try, I really do.)

Okay *deep breath*, here goes an influx of materialism I know everyone has but is very much manifested in me:

• A new BlackBerry phone. I know most people in my age range regard it as only a means to look mature and/or sophisticated, but I've used my BlackBerry for lots of things from e-mailing to twittering and I sure miss using it. 
• A new camera. I love Boots, my Sony A200, but it's hard to expand your horizons when you can't borrow people's gears. :( Boots will always be my first love, though. Look at the things we've done (these are recent pictures) 

The path on the garden at home.

Ateneo. In front of the Social Science building.

• A Kindle with a hundred books. Just because.
• Good grades for this semester. Also, I have a LOT of things to organize this sem and make sure I accomplish them all.
• World peace.
• A complete family this Christmas? I've been pretty selfish with wanting to come back to Qatar for the yuletide even if it meant my mom coming here to the Philippines and celebrating with my brother and sister. I don't know, I mean, it'd be fine if we weren't physically with each other for Christmas because believe me, it's been about 4 years ever since that last happened.. but it would make a wonderful Christmas. Us being together. Hopefully in Qatar.
• Shoes. Lots and lots and lots and lots of shoes.
• Finish my 365 Day Apple Cider Photography project.

Just rotate him. Isn't he adorable? I mean, for a bear?

• Someone who'll make me believe.
• A backbone not made of jelly and a heart not made of frozen jell-o.

It's sad when you write something about someone

but he will never know (at least not in the dimension you both are in) that he was what you were talking about, dreaming of, wishing for.

You confine yourself to your writing, you subject him to what he does...

And what might have been will never happen.

While I wait for that person to realize that I wrote this for him.

Click link to view my photo stream. (Shameless self-promotion!)

I can never write poetry even if my life depended on it

All I've been wishing for has been happening
you came into my life,
birds sing when I pass them by,
the winds bring me melodies
that only winds can produce.

Everyday I ask myself, what if all these were merely dreams?
That one day I wake up and realize
the wind was really howling
the birds were really mute
you only came to pass by.

But then I conclude,
why dread waking up when I know
that waking up can help me,
maybe not make you stay,
maybe not give birds reason to sing out,
maybe not tame the winds...
but make me realize that somewhere out there,
someone lives for me,
would never leave,
would break out into a wonderful song,
would change me and I him.

I want to...

• passionately believe in something like love. I want to be able to defend it and tell people it's real and it's tangible and it's.. true.
• feel other emotions. I'm sick of the apathy and the rare occasions of gloominess.
• be able to fly and turn back time. And quite possibly freeze it too. To when I was happier and when my biggest problem was forgetting to watch my favourite show.
• make someone smile.
• be alone.
• be with lots of people.
• scream.
• sleep.
• laugh.
• cry.
• not want anything at all.

On randomness

L’esprit de escalier: (French) The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said. Translated it means “the spirit of the staircase.”


I guess this would be my favourite foreign word (assuming English isn't a foreign language, else I'd have a truckload full of favourite foreign words). I believe everyone knows what this means, it's when we talk to someone we want to carry a conversation with but then words just dry up and suddenly you can't think of anything to say. After you leave the person you were having a heated argument over something totally random and/or inappropriate with, you begin to mentally slap yourself and say, "Argh. I should've said something else."


It actually is something all of us do, usually without us noticing. We do something we thought would be funny, but then after we hurt someone with our action, we go all, "Shit. I never should've attempted to do that."


It's a cycle. We always unconsciously do things wrong. And then when we look back, we experience this French sensation. We tell ourselves how stupid we were for not doing something or for doing something entirely wrong.

Controversia?

I find it sad how Filipino TV stations never really acknowledge the talents of the people they produce until these artists make it big somewhere else. I don’t know if it’s obvious, but it certainly is for me, especially with regards to Charice Pempengco.

I mean, when she emerged as the 1st runner up of that Little Big Star show, sure, people congratulated her but then the station didn’t really take care of her. A few stints in a couple variety shows and her face was swept off the face of the industry. And not in a good way.

A few months later, when she reemerged as a budding young Asian pop star, the station which completely disregarded her suddenly become all stuck-up exclaiming that they were the ones who made her and stuff.

I don't mean to be all controversial and goody-goody here (heck, I know I don't like her that much), but I guess it just is unfair because everything she is now was practically because of what she's done. 

I hate not being able to sleep before midnight

Usually when the clock strikes 12, I become one of two things. The first, utterly hyper, and second, slightly lonely. 


No, I'm not insomniac, I guess I naturally have a screwed-up circadian rhythm.


Anyway, I just got off a texting spree with my best friend who was feeling apathetic due to the current circumstances she was currently in. And yeah, I guess probably like most female teenager related things, it was about love (or the lack of it). After the sending back and forth of messages, I realized this is why I've always been adamant of not having extreme feelings for someone: it's either you get hurt or you become numb.


Yeah, I guess I'm kind of satisfied with being the "neurotic excuse for a best friend".


I'm not sad. I'm just.. kind of figuring things out. The way an adult would, I guess.

I did this instead of reviewing for my long test. Fail poetry.

I tell myself it's not you
That I care about,
That I think of
before I go to sleep.


I tell everyone else it's not you
Who I dream of
Who comes to mind
Whenever someone talks 
About love.


I tell you it's not you
Who gives me butterflies
Who makes me believe
That true love does exist.


It's not you,
It can't be you,
Not because you don't know me
But because I love you
From afar.

So Close.

I don't know, if a guy plays So Close for me, and dances with me regardless of our nonexistent talent for slow dance...


I just might fall in love with him.


But until that happens, which I deem never will (unless someone reads this blog), then I'll continue to be a cynic who thinks that fairy tales should remain as cartoons because even the live action ones bring out the skeptic in me.


So close to reaching that famous happy ending,
Almost believing this one's not pretend. 

6 Word Stories

Our Literature class professor told us to make six word stories and all of us gave our all with the story-telling. I wasn't able to catch everyone's stories but here are pretty much those I heard and liked most. I'm including some of mine, of course. Haha ego boost.


Thea

• Tied around finger, remember the string.

Peal

• Through tunnels, Over fences, freedom, island.

Maddie

• Blood dripping, fangs appear, dinner time. 

Aleeza

• Men: only good for one thing. 

Gregy

• Boy meets girl. Girl gets pregnant.

Justin

• Sees hot girl. Googles her after. 
• Attempts at singing, then glass breaks. 
• Tara Reid is hot. You? No. 
• Fingernails are stupid. So I bite. 
• When intoxicated. All conversations left unfinished. 

Abbie

• Running late. Broken heel. Bad morning. 
• Friday nght. Drunk. Totally worth it. 
• Eat facebook twitter sleep. Perfect cycle.
• Kiss on forehead. Will never forget. 
• You left me. That's your loss.

Mike

• Glass of vodka. Party is started. 

Kevin

• Meet. Love. Break-up. Repeat process. 
• I fell in love without you.

Bernice

• 3 words. 8 letters. I'm yours. 

Nica

• Cute. Hot. Gay? Oh God why? 
• Looking back, I regret absolutely nothing. 
• Woke up late. Bye morning classes. 
• Walk walk walk, oh crap. ID. 

Aica

• Ding Dong Ding Shit, late again.
• Rice on the side, hello calories. 
• Great night, can't remember anything. 
• 1,2,3 AM hello pimples.
• 3 hours, chill. 30 minutes, cram. 

Marckie

• Me and you and hopefully us. 

Diana

• 6 o'clock, alarm snooze alarm snooze, 9 o'clock.

Cas

• 3 dogs, one bone, oh hell. 
• Tuna in the sky. Wait, what? 
• Facebook, profile, home, profile, notification, home.

Len

• Unintentional encounter with a fascinating stranger.

Danica

• Bang! Man down! Good to go.
• Love like oxygen. Bring gas tank.
• Wanted, working mines for crippled hearts. 

Cate

• He fell in love. She didn't.
• Cutting cadavers, it followed her home. 
• He makes a joke, cricket sounds. 

Sofie

• Dishonest people. Don't trust their lies.

Joy

• "I thought you loved me." "Loved."
• Boy likes Girl. Girl likes Girl. 
• He said "Tomorrow." Tomorrow never came. 
• He gave her roses. "No chocolates?"
• She crossed her fingers. "I do."
• She screamed. He lunged. She died. 

LJ # 1: Do you have negative or positive associations with the beginning of the school year?

If I were a Hogwarts student right now (which I'm not, boo), classes would've started yesterday. The Great Hall would've been filled with a conglomeration of students both old and new, acne-laden faces would be the greatest indicator of the youngest, the place would be wafting with the smell of delicious treacle pudding and everyone will be in bliss, at least for the start of the year.

However, I'm in the Philippines, and I'm in college, and life in Hogwarts is but a dream. That's what's sad.

But okay, assuming that this question was asked to me 4 months ago when the prospect of attending college was practically a nightmare, I would say I didn't have any positive associations.

I mean, hello, a new everything? That's not exactly a comforting thought.

But yeah, days, weeks, months passed and although I still would trade everything I have to be a high school student once again, I'm loving college. People, I guess, are more real, more harsh, and more intimidating.

That's where the fun starts.

I'm a little bit tired, I'm a little bit jaded and I need someone to tell me..

"You can make it."

Okay, so if it this blog entry hasn't made it clear yet, I've stopped with the daily entries not because I grew tired of it, but probably because I felt it became impersonal. It's kinda ironic if you think about it (which I assume you are -- thinking about it), but I think it's true. Also, you know how sometimes you just feel you have more pressing things to do than make an amalgamation of words to sum up your day? No, it wasn't tiring, it wasn't even stressful, but I realized that if I wanted to keep a daily tab of my life, I should be more involved. I have to have something that would inspire me to do it everyday. I have to have something more than self-appreciation.

Ye gads I don't know what I'm talking about already.

So yeah, I'm stopping with the daily written entries. That doesn't mean I'm stopping the writing, of course.

Just you wait, dear (nonexistent) readers. Just you wait.

43/365

Today's YFC Qatar's 2nd National Conference.

Is it selfish of me to desire that I was with them right this very moment, praising, worshipping, jumping, screaming, dancing, praying, loving?

Because that's exactly what I want to do this very moment.

I want time to stop and bring me to Qatar today. I want to go back to home. I want to experience how it feels like to be a YFC Qatar leader once again. I want to reminisce everything once again. I want to live the life they're living right now. I miss them so much it's currently making me selfish. I miss them so much I'm having the impulse to just... go back.

Qatar has always been my first home and YFC one of my first families. ALWAYS.

So yeah, if you guys are reading this, just remember that someone in the Philippines believes in you guys. Whenever you feel the impulse to break away and to give up, remember that someone here is wishing for nothing but your happiness. Whenever you feel like quitting, remember that I'm willing to give everything up just to switch places with you guys.

Whenever you feel that you're not happy with YFC, think of me and think about how I feel.

I'm praying for you guys. This is a victory already. I love every single one of you. I want you to never EVER forget that. Forgetting that means forgetting what we've been through over the years.

<3

42/365

The best friend and I had a date today. :)

It's refreshing to see someone you were positively sure you'll never miss when you go to college because you practically spent your childhood together. I guess we're tired of each other's faces already, but it doesn't mean we're tired of each other's presence.

We watched Inception (it was my second time to watch it so I annoyed her with my reciting of lines) and then we had a quick dinner at KFC.

Then when we went to Fully Booked, MLTR's Someday It's Gonna Make Sense began to play on the radio.

Gah, everything about today was just a Qatar trade-off. It was only for a few hours but it teleported me even for a moment back to Qatar when the biggest problems we had was the zit on our foreheads and the report we had to make for the next day.

41/365

I currently have the worst bout of migraine and stomach cramps ever. In fact, earlier today, I kind of passed out in class and I had to rush to the washroom near the end of the class because I threw my insides up.

I feel like a zombie. A dead zombie. Quite an exaggeration, but exaggeration is not to be taken lightly when one's in pain.

I saw someone today, though. Actually, two someones.

[via]

Random fact: My brother and I are Cyanide and Happiness junkies. I've been - for weeks now - trying to get him hooked on Cracked.com but to no avail.

40/365

I often wondered how I would want to die.

I once thought it'd be beautiful to die while saving someone from death. Then I realized too many people have died that way and not many were given credit.

Then I thought, a gun in the head? A knife on my wrist?

I don't know. I can never know.

I could never die.

I'm Alyxa, and I'm doomed to be forever immortal.

39/365

I fell for him. This shouldn't have happened.

38/365

I have one song that's been on repeat on my playlist for days now. I don't know why I should be getting smitten over something like this, though; I'm not one to show too much emotion, let alone listen to such mushy tunes...

But yeah, sometimes hormones just get in the way of everything else. 

Skillet - Yours to Hold

Lyrics:

I see you standing here

But you’re so far away

Starving for your attention

You don’t even know my name

You’re going through so much

But I know that I could be the one to hold you

[Chorus:]

Every single day

I find it hard to say

I could be yours alone

You will see someday

That all along the way

I was yours to hold

I was yours to hold

I see you walking by

Your hair always hiding your face

I wonder why you’ve been hurting

I wish I had some way to say

You’re going through so much

Don’t you know that I could be the one to hold you

[Bridge:]

I’m stretching but you’re just out of reach

You should know

I’m ready when you’re ready for me

And I’m waiting for the right time

For the day I catch your eye

To let you know

That I’m yours to hold

[Altro:]

I’m stretching but you’re just out of reach

I’m ready when you’re ready for me

37/365

If it's possible, I've learned the one of the greatest things a college student would learn today. What's ironic with that fact is that I didn't learn it inside the four walls of the classroom. Okay, so maybe I learned it in a university but I didn't learn it inside the strict confines of the place.

I learned that your high school friends are still the best things that could ever happen to you.

When I was in high school, I had experiences where the only reason I had the drive to go to school every day despite the stress, the expectations and the fear for tomorrow was my friends. They were there. Always. It didn't matter that they gave pieces of advice they deemed necessary, what was important was that they listened. It didn't matter that every few days, there'll be bickering between two parties, what's more important was that everyone made up at the end of the day.

It didn't matter that we were going to drift apart in terms of distance although maybe it was a problem we had at first. We just had to realize that no matter the distance, we'd always be there for each other no matter what. And whenever one of us decided to drop by someone else's pad, we'd be more than happy to accommodate.

You know what they say about your college friends knowing who you are and your high school friends knowing why you're like that?

I finally understand.

Even then we knew we'd be unbreakable.

36/365

I can never become not embarrassing. Sometimes I wonder how my friends manage with me. Sometimes I wonder how I manage without my friends.

You know how sometimes you are just positive you know something that you're practically ready to argue with someone who looks like they'll oppose you but then you realize that all along, it's you who were making the mistake and you've no choice but to slink away and try not to look in the eyes of the other person? (Or if you actually are a calm and collected person, unlike me, you'll say sorry and head out.)

Yeah, I had that experience today.

It was kind of mortifying, to say the least.

Lessons learned:
a. Make sure of where you are.
b. Don't argue with people who know far better. Unless it's a classroom setting, in which case you're perfectly allowed to practically shout out your ignorance.
c. Just.. keep calm.

I'm still wondering why I haven't thought of this.

[via]

35/365

Today we had our long test in Filipino and I must say, my view on the subject (and on my classmates in general) have grown enormously positive over the weeks.

This is why I never trust my instincts with regards to first impressions, I'm always pretty sure they never last. Or maybe it's kind of better to have a negative first impression, then slowly getting blown away because the people you expect much less turns out to be the people who'd be first to do the most amazing things.

34/365

Well forgive me if I seem forward but I've never seen anything like you.

You started to see right through me,
And I'm loving every minute of it,
Its like I'm born again every time I breath in so,
If you're curious my favorite color's blue,
And I like to sing in the shower,
If you like I'll sing to you.

[via]

Tell me all of your hopes, all of your dreams, I want you to take me there.


Tell me every thing, every breath, I want you to know I'll be there.
There's just one more thing, one request..


I want you to take me with you.
_____________________________________


Take Me With You is quite possibly the only Secondhand Serenade song I've really grown to love.

33/365

I honestly don’t know what I would want in a guy. I’m not sure if I’d like a guy who would call me up at 3 AM even if it’s to say I love you. I’m not sure if I’d like a guy who’d never let me pay for things. I’m not sure if I’d like a guy who’d tell everyone that I’m his. I’m not sure if I’d like a guy who would always gift me with couple shirts or couple mugs or couple bracelets or whatever it is couples like to give one another.

I’m not sure at all..

32/365

It slightly bothers me (not that I should be bothered with my bothered-ness) that there are kids who just go out and squander their parents' money and think it's all cool because their parents are well-off and by using the transitive property (ah, Math. *imagines reader turn green*), they're rich as well.

So yeah, if you're one of those people (I could also be talking to myself with this one -- who knows?), I'd like to tell you one thing. It's not yours. The money you're spending. The money you believe is yours just because it was deposited under your name. It's. Not. Yours.

That's the money your parents slaved their asses off because they want you to experience the luxuries they weren't able to grow up with. Sure. Spend. But spend wisely. Use the money but don't use it too much. Moreover, know where everything came from and give a piece of gratitude back.

Just because you're an heir to a multi-billion company doesn't give you the right to buy everything in sight. It's not yours unless it came from you.

I'm not making much sense, I guess.

31/365

You can never trust me with a phone. Aside from the fact that a) I don't really handle anything well, let alone something expensive like a phone; b) I'm the type of person who gets impatient when people don't reply to my texts but who take all the time in the world to answer a text back.

I'm also an overly sensitive prick when I put my mind into it. I could become a stubborn ass when I want to and unfortunately, it's something I crave for everyday.

You know sometimes I wonder with my present attitude, it'd be asymptotic to impossible to find someone who'll like me and who won't require me to change. At least not too much.

30/365

You know what I experienced today that I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to experience again any time soon?

Loss.

I attended my first ever UAAP game live and it was honestly heartbreaking to find the team you're rooting for lose by 3 points when you were almost positive halfway through the game that you would win.

What's more heartbreaking (and quite ironically -- very heartwarming) was when every Atenean in the stadium, alumni, student, or dreamer screamed "Win or lose it's the school we choose!" It's nice to think that despite losing from one of the fiercest rivals in the league, everyone stood up and said this whole-heartedly.

Win or lose, it IS the school we choose.

I don't think why other people think otherwise.

29/365

Today was a humbling experience.


I've always knew that my fourth year adviser was slightly disappointed with the fact that I let go of the UP dream to run after my Ateneo dream; but since then it has been a challenge for me to do well so that at least if I didn't go to UP (it's my first choice for law school though), I'd still make her proud.


Anyway, we had a conversation in Facebook earlier today and after the updates on each other's lives, she said how she missed having us around and how - in a weird way - she missed how I always surprised her and turned her doubts about my abilities upside down.


It was actually a big thing for me.


I guess it stems from the fact that for most (college) students, the people they would want most to impress (or probably show that they’re maturing and becoming better people) are their high school teachers. 

28/365

Today oozed of awesomeness.

Bought this at the second-hand bookstore today. However, I felt it was still very expensive at 250 pesos. But whatever. It's Neil Gaiman. And Neil Gaiman = worth it. 

I'm only at page 88 but I'm really looking forward to finishing it. I have about 3 unfinished books and if I don't finish reading this, then I'll just be giving myself a hard time (and a bout of migraine) when I do decide to get back to it. I have trouble remembering where I left things off.

Or maybe I just need a bookmark.

Also, I watched this piece of genius today! (Brother's treat. Hell yeah.)

Oh my goodness, it could be probably equated in two words (MIND = BLOWN) and summarized in one (excuse me for the expletive but MINDFUCK).

Watch it. Nolan has, once again, made a work of art. There were 3 people/things that made me love it more. First, Joseph OOZING SEXINESS Gordon-Levitt. Second, Ellen Page. (LOL there's this picture on Tumblr where it says Conception and the picture's her Juno picture. Moving on...) And third, the Harry Potter DH trailer before the movie started. <3

Watch. It. As. Soon. As. Humanly. And. Financially. Possible.

27/365

Today just feels like a limbo. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to fake apathy, I want to get angry, I want to scream, and ironically, I want to not feel at all.

I don't know. Today started out amazingly. In fact, my mood went from good to practically ecstatic as the day progressed. However, the rain had to get in the way. You know how sometimes we laugh at how pathetic people in movies are when they get all sad while it's pouring while they don their earphones on and listen to Nickel Creek or Coheed and Cambria? I was that person earlier tonight.

When I got home, I gave myself a scalding hot shower while listening to Yiruma. After that, I put on my favourite PJs on and wrote a letter to my dad (nope, I'm not a cheesy daughter, it was actually required for something) and since I was reminded of this video, I couldn't help but gouge my eyes out crying. Don't blame me, it's been 2 months since I last saw my 'rents and about a month since I last talked to my dad over the phone!

----

Also filed under: A shitty day because I gave it permission to become one even though I shouldn't have,

26/365

One of my favourite teachers in high school told us something that I do not plan on forgetting any time soon. 

"Three things. Write a book, have a family, plant a tree. These are three things you should do in order to change the world. Not necessarily in that order."

Seriously? Write a book? Have a family? I mean, when I was 14 I wrote a New Year's Resolution that I would have my first book published at 17. However (and this is a huge however), I did not know that writing a book would be staggeringly hard. I mean, if you want to write a well-written book, you don't just write, you think about it for a long, long time. Unlike some writers out there.. *ehem* SMeyer *ehem*

..okay, I don't hate SMeyer. Too much. Okay, maybe I really don't.

Also, have a family?

Have a family?

Have a family? Me?

I'll just go somewhere and plant 3 trees hoping it would compensate..

25/365

Sometimes I tell myself that now that I'm in college, I am completely over that high school crushing stage.. turns out I thought wrong. Honestly, now that I have my first full-blown college crush, I feel very much like the slightly younger me; only not in a uniform.

Also, now that I'm in college, you would think that I'm not as awkward and stupid as I were a year ago. Again, that's a total lie. In fact, I've become worse. Click link to realize my stupidity and (probably) laugh your ass off at the irony of my existence.

Feelings of inadequacy, Part 1.

Model - a cellphone

*Also, I know that I'm probably baring a part of my soul by linking to my Tumblr.. but yeah, I decided to let up.

24/365

I've always been a fan of basketball. NBA and PBA were sports I never failed to watch every time there was a league. However, being in college ignites this already lit passion for the sport.

Now I watch the UAAP.

And goodness, who wouldn't ever get smitten with the fact that not only are the basketball players from your school's team tall and handsome, you get to see them at school too were you in the right place at the right time?

I'm talking about Nico Salva here.

:) 

[Source]

Pshaw, I shall be taking a bath now.

23/365

If there's one thing this former obese person wants to tell to the word, it's this: stop obsessing over your weight. Being obsessed would be totally fine if you looked down and discovered that you can’t see your toes anymore because your tummy’s in the way but if you still look like a pole, then you don’t need to go to a dietician.. you need a freaking psychiatrist.


You know sometimes things like these make me lose faith in humanity. No, not really. But close to losing faith, I guess.

It's slightly pitiful, if you think about it. 

[Source]